


This Wasn't What I Signed Up For

by nellyn



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-18
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-31 15:30:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8583823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nellyn/pseuds/nellyn
Summary: A phone call between friends. My first attempt at Marvel. Please be gentle. ;-)





	

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own anything Marvel. If I did, would I be posting it here? Think about it.  
> Seriously though... I do not own Marvel. Do not sue me. I have now said it.

"Don't look at me like that. Seriously. You're not allowed to look at me like that. You're dead." The screen shimmered slightly as the connection was interrupted. He glared at the screen. "Shut up. I mean it. I can hear you glaring at me." Tony spun around and waved his hands at the screen. "I have better things to do than argue with you. YOU have better things to do than argue with me. Isn't your favorite new friend looking at jail time or something?"

The man on the holographic screen just continued watching the billionaire flounder.

"Friday, cut the connection. I have a meeting with the UN in an hour. I need to prep. This is a waste of time." Tony turned his back to the screen and decided he wouldn't look again.

"Can't do that, boss. You set the protocols yourself. He has priority."

Tony grabbed a wrench and flung it at the hologram. "Protocol this! I changed my mind. Remove the man's codes. He's D-E-A-D. Z-O-M-B-I-E. Read me, Fry?!"

"I read you, boss. I cannot comply."

Tony spun back around, "Did you screw my AI!? What did you do?! How dare you!" He picked up a screwdriver and flung it as hard as he could at the screen. "I didn't drop the bomb on this! That idiot did! And all because of his Russian boyfriend! I am the innocent bystander in this! They fucked the pooch! I did what you asked me to do, damn it!"

Finally the man spoke. "Don't make me taze you."

"You didn't taze me the last time. I'd love to see you try, jackass." Tony smirked.

"I thought my name was Agent." Phil smirked as he watched Tony spin around his workshop like a top. "Did you forget that? Did dementia set in while I was away?"

"Bite me, Dead Agent Walking." Tony took a breath. "I know this was the plan. But I can't figure how to wrangle this around. He took it too far. We assumed he'd fight it. This... I don't think I can fix it." He bit his lip and shook his head.

Phil nodded, "Steve did jump the gun. He didn't listen to you. Had he, you could have explained everything. But you were being watched in Germany. And there was no way to de-escalate in Leipzig."

"So you're siding with him," Tony mumbled. Actually mumbled.

Something about Tony's voice worried Phil. "There are no sides here. I don't pick sides."

"Your pet projects did." Tony snarled.

"Ah," Phil nodded. "There's the problem. Natasha and Clint."

Tony frowned, "That moron has a family for crying out loud! How could he drop them for this!? He was out! And her!? It was the palladium all over again."

"Hence my offer to taze you." Phil thought for a moment. "They're not him, Tony."

The billionaire tried to look unruffled. "Who?" He sidled around a work bench and picked up a gauntlet he'd been working on. "I don't know of who you speak, Zombie."

Phil sighed, "None of them are Stane."

Tony shuddered. "They'd better not be. I'm done with that. The only one who gets that right is Maximoff."

"About that..." The former director eyed the man pacing frantically. "How is it different?"

The inventor stared at the far wall refusing to look at the holographic screen. "That's just it. It's not different, Agent. Ba..." he stuttered. "Barnes is a bomb emblazoned with the name Stark."

"Meaning?"

Tony picked at his fingernails. "He was a tool. Nothing more. It's like blaming the gun and not the shooter. He's the gun. He's been the gun the entire time."

Phil took a breath, "So the plan is still a go even with your doubts about fixing what Steve broke?"

Tony finally looked the man in the eye. "Of course it is. And when I invent time travel one day, I'll be able to go back and tell that father of mine I saved both his boys."

Phil could see that what Tony implied was not what he meant. "So BARF is on its way to that undisclosed location none of the old guard are supposed to know about?"

"Yep." Tony popped the word. "And I made sure a second one went with it. Just in case your friend needs a place to hide out. Hers is with that piece of antique crap I got mailed. Will that be all Mister Frankenstein?"

Phil simply nodded, "That will be all Mister Stank."

Tony growled and swung his hand through the hologram. "Stank my ass! He WROTE it on that package like that! Can you believe him?!"

It was Phil's turn to feel a little joy in thinking of his childhood hero. Something he'd not been able to do since SHIELD heard about the viasco in Leipzig. "I believe it."

Tony snorted, "Aunt Peg would have said it would happen." He paused. "He didn't even think any of us would go. He was honestly surprised to see Spider Queen. Really? I'm her godson. But no... All that mattered was him and his Manchurian Candidate."

"Goodbye, Tony." Phil got ready to close the connection. "And are you really shocked? If it had been Rhodes, you'd have died trying."

"I think I did." Tony sighed thinking about Rhodey's crash in Leipzig, "Don't die on me."

"That's not a goodbye." Phil watched Tony's eyes settled on everything else but him.

"Yeah. I hate funerals. Peg's was enough for the next ten years. No one else dies." Tony blinked, "Hey, did you hear about that doofus in New York?"

"I did. And just because you didn't get along years ago doesn't make Stephen Strange a doofus." Phil knew giving Tony the last word would help him settle his mind for his meeting.

"Pretty sure that's not why. Magic. That's why. I hate magic."

The call ended immediately on Tony's last words. He looked at the spot where Phil's face had been. "Glad you're back, Agent. Missed you."


End file.
